1 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:14,389 {\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪ 2 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,307 {\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 3 00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,436 {\an8}♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 4 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:23,064 {\an8}♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 5 00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,817 {\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 6 00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:34,951 {\an8}Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire. 7 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:37,120 {\an8}Yeah, no problem. What'd you guys end up seeing? 8 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,204 {\an8}"Jurassic Park." 9 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:39,372 {\an8}It's, like, the greatest movie 10 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:40,665 {\an8}I've ever fucking seen, like, ever. 11 00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:43,376 {\an8}Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs. 12 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,503 {\an8}Uh, yeah, I don't think so. 13 00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:47,088 {\an8}- No, he did. - No, he did. He totally did. 14 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:48,465 {\an8}There's no other explanation. 15 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,676 {\an8}I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs. 16 00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:53,470 {\an8}Well, that's-that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, 17 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:54,679 {\an8}when you didn't see the movie. 18 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,182 {\an8}Yeah, no, he made "ET" and he made "Jaws" 19 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,391 {\an8}and this was his reward. 20 00:00:58,391 --> 00:00:59,684 {\an8}He got real dinosaurs to play with. 21 00:00:59,684 --> 00:01:00,727 {\an8}It all adds up. 22 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,270 {\an8}My only criticism of the movie-- 23 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,606 {\an8}who has open cups of water in the car? 24 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:05,940 {\an8}Oh yeah, that was weird. 25 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,567 {\an8}Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water? 26 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,486 {\an8}Nah, that's OK. I'm just riding in the jungle. 27 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,071 {\an8}Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store? 28 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,155 {\an8}I want to rent a movie. 29 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,990 {\an8}You just saw a movie. 30 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,784 {\an8}Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever. 31 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:17,744 {\an8}We want to see more movies with dinosaurs. 32 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,206 {\an8}Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight. 33 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:22,957 {\an8}Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on? 34 00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,459 {\an8}Just stuff. 35 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:25,752 {\an8}Like college stuff? 36 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,003 {\an8}Yes. 37 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,296 {\an8}- Toga party? - No. 38 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:29,589 {\an8}Fucking rush week? 39 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:30,674 {\an8}No. 40 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:31,758 {\an8}Fucking around with the new pledges, 41 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,259 {\an8}but then Diane goes a little too far 42 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,636 {\an8}and something horrible happens 43 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:36,888 {\an8}but then you all kind of work together to cover it up 44 00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,098 {\an8}and then the next day, 45 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,391 {\an8}you just go to class like nothing happened 46 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,892 {\an8}but now you're all bonded for life 47 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,227 {\an8}by, like, a horrible secret, 48 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,770 {\an8}and it seems like it's all going to be OK 49 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,438 {\an8}but then Rachel seems a little shaky 50 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,273 {\an8}and you wonder if she's going to be a problem? 51 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,067 {\an8}What the fuck are you talking about? 52 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,694 {\an8}I'm just making conversation. 53 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,621 OK, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something. 54 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:02,622 OK. 55 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,470 Hey, Teddy. - Yeah? 56 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,097 You ever seen a porno? 57 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,433 Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood. 58 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,393 They as awesome as people say? 59 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,395 They are, Johnny. 60 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,646 What are they like? 61 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,440 Well, you turn it on, you settle in, 62 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,774 you get your Kleenex and your lotion, 63 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:31,818 and you-- you fucking go to town. 64 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,153 Wow. 65 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,487 Sounds amazing. 66 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:35,864 Yeah, especially afterward when it's over 67 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,824 and you think about what you did. 68 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,034 Really? 69 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,368 Yeah, and you clean yourself up 70 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:41,494 but the porn's still going on in the background, 71 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,455 but it seems twice as loud now. 72 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:44,956 And even though you didn't leave the house, 73 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:47,292 you know you've contributed to a woman's nightmare. 74 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,752 Oh, and you can't 75 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,962 shove that sock in the hamper deep enough. 76 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,256 Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors, 77 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:55,759 it's like it's so mysterious. 78 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:59,179 The private, exclusive adults-only room. 79 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:19,491 Master John, Master Ted. 80 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,243 I'm so delighted that you've joined us. 81 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:25,580 Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening? 82 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,956 Indeed, we are, Lloyd. 83 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,416 Splendid, splendid. 84 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,211 We have quite a fine selection for your perusal. 85 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,129 Mm, well, what would you recommend? 86 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:34,422 Your preference, sir. 87 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,633 Would you like to feel in charge, 88 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,551 or like an itty, bitty baby? 89 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,137 I do believe I would like to feel like a baby. 90 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:44,265 No one has ever chosen the other one, sir. 91 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,975 Yes, I would imagine not. 92 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,645 Very good, sir. 93 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,272 I'll be right back with your cream and kerchief. 94 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:53,024 How's the wife, Lloyd? 95 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:57,195 Well, sir, I'm afraid that Clara passed away last month. 96 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,239 Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry. 97 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,491 Thank you, sir. She fought bravely, 98 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,618 but there was nothing the doctors could do. 99 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,745 And how is your son taking the loss? 100 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,206 We haven't spoken since she passed away, sir. 101 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,251 I'm afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother's death. 102 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,419 How terrible. 103 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,129 Thank heaven I have my work. 104 00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:17,340 Elsewise, I'm not sure I could go on living myself. 105 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:21,344 Well, enjoy your pornography, sir. 106 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,929 Jesus. 107 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,515 Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family? 108 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,599 Well I mean, the son didn't die, 109 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,892 they're just estranged. 110 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,644 I just feel like 111 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,312 by putting all that on him, it distracts from our story. 112 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,606 Teddy, you want to go in there? 113 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:34,941 In the back room? 114 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,067 Yeah. 115 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,318 Yeah, don't you think it's about time 116 00:04:37,318 --> 00:04:38,653 I rented my first porno? 117 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,780 Well, I hope you've gotten everything done 118 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,699 that you need to get done ever. 119 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:43,825 Why? 120 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,035 Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it. 121 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:49,998 Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section! 122 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,249 Ah, shit. 123 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,959 It's all right, Johnny. I'll go and get it. 124 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,085 You hear me? 125 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,628 I said no one under 18! 126 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,213 It's all right, buddy. It's just me. 127 00:04:57,213 --> 00:05:00,633 You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight? 128 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,135 Dude, it's a little different. 129 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,845 No. Rules are rules! 130 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,013 Ah, shit. 131 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,392 Wow, what an amazing selection! 132 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:11,311 These are all so erotic! 133 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,395 All right, if you guys are done 134 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,438 humiliating yourselves in public, 135 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:14,856 can we get out of here? 136 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,358 Uh, Blaire. 137 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,484 I'm not renting you porn. 138 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,818 Oh, come on, you gotta. 139 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:19,652 No, I don't. 140 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:20,987 Blaire, I'm already 16. 141 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,448 OK, if I was Mormon, I'd be a grandfather by now. 142 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,408 Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once. 143 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,993 I'm basically an adult already, OK? 144 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,953 I just want to watch an adult movie. 145 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,706 All right, fine. 146 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,166 - What? - What? 147 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,250 I don't have time to stand here all day and argue. 148 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:35,710 OK, just go wait in the car. 149 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,212 - Holy shit. Fucking awesome! - Oh, my God, Blaire! 150 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,630 You're fucking amazing, Blaire! - Wow, Thank you so much! 151 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,964 Blaire, this is fucking awesome! 152 00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,883 Thank you so much! - Oh, you're the fucking best! 153 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,094 Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, 154 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,303 that's probably what we're going to like. 155 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,179 I'm going to count to three. 156 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,389 OK. 157 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,184 All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie. 158 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,686 Oh, we will. 159 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,604 Oh, and don't be thrown when you turn it on. 160 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,772 It's black and white. 161 00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,315 - Even better. - Yeah, finally. 162 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,025 We're telling their stories. - Yeah, love that. 163 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,193 Representation matters. 164 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,111 Glad to hear it. 165 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,614 - OK. - Here we go. 166 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,409 We got at least an hour before Mom gets back. 167 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,997 All right, porno time! 168 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,167 Whoa. "The 400 Blows." 169 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,712 Whoever this guy is, he's going to be a nub by the end of it. 170 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,797 Ah, French fucking. All right. 171 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,382 Little hairy, but I'm on board. 172 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,345 That's what the fucking's going to sound like. 173 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,771 Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on? 174 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,148 You guys enjoying the movie? 175 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,774 No! It sucks! 176 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,192 How the fuck is this a porno? 177 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:44,654 Well, I rented you guys an adult movie, 178 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,115 as in a movie for adults. 179 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,742 Oh, you suck. 180 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,869 No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks. 181 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:51,911 Balzac. 182 00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,079 Yeah, exactly. So where were they? 183 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,914 Are saying you don't like the film? 184 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,542 No! No, there's no sex at all in this movie. 185 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,752 Just ennui. 186 00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,836 I did you a favor. 187 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,546 No, we want to look at genitals. 188 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,089 Trust me, it's overrated. 189 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,008 Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn? 190 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:05,884 Uh, no. 191 00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,886 But a guy from my school did 192 00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:10,138 mail me a photo of his dick last semester. 193 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,097 Oh. 194 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,849 He even shot it in sepia tone. 195 00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:14,809 Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey? 196 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,061 Yeah. 197 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,812 Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"? 198 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,022 You want the kicker? 199 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,106 It was flaccid. 200 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,441 Wait, so he didn't even do the work? 201 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,944 Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter. 202 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,030 Well, I guess even a great director 203 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,531 can't save a bad script. 204 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,283 Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys. 205 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,201 It's a classic. 206 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,622 Fuck this. 207 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:54,808 Everyone, Matty and I have some news. 208 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,227 Oh, man. It finally happened. 209 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,312 Look, I'm sure this was a tough decision to make, 210 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,481 but there's no sense in postponing the inevitable. 211 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,816 You know what? 212 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,817 Not every marriage is meant to last forever. 213 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,110 And at a certain point, 214 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,319 you're just throwing good years out the bag. 215 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,404 We're going out to dinner. 216 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,822 Hey! That's... 217 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,156 one of my favorite meals. 218 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,616 We're going to go out, 219 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:14,119 we're going to have a nice, romantic evening tomorrow. 220 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,579 Just the two of us just because. 221 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,248 And we're going to have a lovely time. 222 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:19,582 That's right. 223 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,918 My wife deserves a night out just for being her. 224 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,503 We're going to have a--we're going to have a great meal, 225 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,629 and it's going to be terrific! 226 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,755 - Jesus. 227 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,173 Take it easy. - What? 228 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,175 I'm fucking happy. It's going to be a great night. 229 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,011 You know, I wonder if years from now, we'll find out 230 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,888 this was all just one big, long heart attack. 231 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,807 Teddy, can I speak to you in private? 232 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,100 OK, this is perfect. 233 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,393 Mom and Dad are going to be out of the house 234 00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:39,436 and Blaire's got school. 235 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:41,021 There will never be a better time. 236 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:41,855 For what? 237 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,857 To rent a real porno. 238 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,191 Well, how are we supposed to do it? 239 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,193 That butt nut in the store says we got to be 18. 240 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,945 There's a different guy that comes in at 6:00 241 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,155 for the night shift, all right? 242 00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,406 We get fake IDs, 243 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,575 we go in after 6:00, we can rent that porno. 244 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,076 I don't know, Johnny. It's a risk. 245 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,870 I mean, if we get caught-- - Teddy. 246 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,913 Watching other people have sex on a TV screen, 247 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,291 that's just about the coolest thing a person can do. 248 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,709 It's worth the risk. 249 00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,211 By this time tomorrow, that dream could be ours. 250 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,464 All right. Let's get some sleep. 251 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,591 We jerk at first light. - Right. 252 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,855 OK. Two fake IDs. 253 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:24,939 That'll be 50 bucks. 254 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,275 We got that same VCR at home. 255 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,360 I don't give a shit. 256 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,694 Right there. 257 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,488 My whole allowance for eight weeks. 258 00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:35,116 All right, here we go. Enjoy your new lives as adults. 259 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,285 Jesus Christ, how old is this guy? 260 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,620 Looks like he's 40. 261 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,163 Hey, you'll be fine, all right? 262 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,207 Although Ted's took a little bit of work. 263 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,584 - I-I can't use this. - Why not? 264 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,711 It looks like Bob Ross. 265 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,255 It is. It is Bob--this is Bob Ross. 266 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,423 Well, you're a tough fit, pal. 267 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,008 It was either him or a pair of UGG boots. 268 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,844 Oh, yeah, laugh it up now, but pretty soon, 269 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,472 I'll be having an orgasm next to my friend. 270 00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:58,682 Yeah! 271 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,825 Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet! 272 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,576 That other bastard's still there. 273 00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:21,329 Act like we're just here to rent a movie. 274 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,455 Ah, yes. 275 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,666 This looks like a good, non-sexual film. 276 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:26,251 Oh, yes, I have heard many great, 277 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,294 non-sexual things about this movie. 278 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:31,339 Peter Travers calls it "a sex-free laugh riot." 279 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:35,260 "Time" magazine says, "about as erotic as mom's diarrhea." 280 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,970 The fuck? 281 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,471 - What? - The fuck was that? 282 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,181 What do you mean? I'm just expanding on your thing. 283 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,349 That's not what I was doing. 284 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,685 Improv's all about "Yes, and..." OK? 285 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:44,602 You can't just shut me down like that 286 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:45,603 in the middle of a scene. 287 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,355 Don't do "mom's diarrhea" 288 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,149 and then tell me how I'm fucking supposed to do improv. 289 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:52,277 Jesus Christ. 290 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,445 - Hey. - Hey. 291 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,487 All right. 292 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,822 I'm out of here. - Later. 293 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,948 Have a good one. 294 00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:59,325 All right, let's move. 295 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,037 Excuse me. Uh-uh. Adults only. 296 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,288 Ah, yes. Of course. 297 00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,206 How forgetful of us. - Oh, don't worry. 298 00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,834 This, uh, this happens all the time. 299 00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,044 I understand your mistake. 300 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:14,382 Oh, my God. 301 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,425 What? 302 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,218 You're Bob Ross! 303 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,553 Uh, yes. 304 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,888 Yes, I am. 305 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,890 Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours. 306 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:23,516 Oh, uh, well, thanks. 307 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,101 I love your whole artistic philosophy. 308 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,562 The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud. 309 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,064 Yeah, well, great. 310 00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:30,523 Um, listen, we're going to head to the adult section 311 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,692 and find ourselves a happy, little bush. 312 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,486 See you in a bit. 313 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,241 OK. 314 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,368 Wow. 315 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,369 Looks like you're having quite a marathon. 316 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,871 Uh, yes. It's for a fundraiser. 317 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,539 Oh, for what? 318 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,999 Jerking... 319 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,959 for Muscular Dystrophy. 320 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,670 Oh, yeah. JMD, of course. 321 00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:54,506 Hey, is there a limit on how many tapes you can rent? 322 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,383 Not for you, Mr. Ross. 323 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,009 All right, these tapes are due back Thursday. 324 00:11:58,009 --> 00:12:00,387 There's an $80 fee for any missing or damaged tapes. 325 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,179 That's a lot of money. 326 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,430 That's a lot of porn. 327 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,933 You know, other people want to masturbate, too! 328 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,226 Not tonight, pal. 329 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,147 OK. 330 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:19,197 Look at this place. 331 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,324 Isn't this a magical night? 332 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,451 My sock's got a big hole in it. 333 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,995 If I tear it off, will you shove it in your purse? 334 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,580 Oh, look, Matty! 335 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,959 They have a whole man just for the pepper! 336 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,003 Oh, let's get something that needs pepper. 337 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,254 When I was his age, 338 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,297 I was liberating Nha Trang hut-by-hut. 339 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,967 But yeah, sure. Pepper boy's good, too. 340 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,595 Gosh, everything's just so fancy-schmancy. 341 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,431 I feel like Academy Awards. 342 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,516 Hi there. How are we doing tonight, folks? 343 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,226 My sock's bugging me. 344 00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:50,186 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 345 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,646 Can I take your order? 346 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:53,648 Matty, he's so sweet. 347 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:54,816 What's your name? 348 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:56,276 Kevin, ma'am. 349 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,194 Kevin, you go home, you call your mother, 350 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,280 and you tell her Susan Bennett from Framingham 351 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,033 said you did an excellent job. 352 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,826 My mother has advanced Alzheimer's. 353 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,870 She has no idea who I am. 354 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,455 I'll have the crab. 355 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,165 Let me ask you a question there, Kev-o. 356 00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,167 Why is the New York strip 24 bucks 357 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,336 but at Rico's Market, it's like 8? 358 00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:16,212 Well, supermarket prices and restaurant prices 359 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,505 are different-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 360 00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:20,133 It's a pretty sweet markup, 16 bucks for heat. 361 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,010 That seem fair to you, Kev-o? 362 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,636 You could order the junior steak 363 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,180 off the kids menu for $9. 364 00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,724 Now we're getting somewhere. OK. 365 00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,809 See that, Susan? He blinked first. 366 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,019 Comes with your choice 367 00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:33,021 of an activity booklet or a silly straw. 368 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,105 Both, Kev-o. 369 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:35,565 Pile it high and good! 370 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,733 Yes, sir. 371 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,318 - Here you go. - Thank you. 372 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,362 Hang on. Do me a favor. 373 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,073 Throw this out for me, would you? 374 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:51,206 Wouldn't it be fun to be a waiter on a cruise ship? 375 00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:54,376 Because when you're done, you're already home. 376 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,420 I'm going to tell him that. 377 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,383 All right, here we go. 378 00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,218 ♪ Porno time, porno time ♪ 379 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,803 ♪ Porno, porno, porno time! ♪ 380 00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:06,137 Porno time! 381 00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:07,347 - All right, let's put one in. - All right. 382 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,765 Wait, wait. Hang on a second. 383 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,767 Before we start, we got to have some ground rules. 384 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,935 What do you mean? 385 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,603 Well, like, where are you sitting? 386 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,646 On the couch. 387 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:15,689 Oh, no, no, no, no. 388 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,273 I don't want you in my eyeline. 389 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,651 OK, we could, like, build a divider or something, 390 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,027 like a pillow fort. 391 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,654 Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should watch alone. 392 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,114 Like in shifts. 393 00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,073 Yeah, I don't want to watch porn alone. 394 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,449 That feels tragic. 395 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,076 All right, then we'll watch it together. 396 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,327 Yeah, well that feels creepy. 397 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,704 John, we're watching porn. 398 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,288 It's either going to be creepy or tragic. 399 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,456 Those are the choices. 400 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,000 All right, let's go with creepy. 401 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,668 Which one are we starting with? 402 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,171 How is everything? 403 00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:42,048 Oh, it's just wonderful. 404 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,258 Not good, Kev-o. 405 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:44,926 The word "apple" ain't in here anywhere. 406 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,803 They allow diagonal, sir. 407 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:50,015 Well, they should put that in the goddamn directions! 408 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,057 I'll tell the chef. 409 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,267 Yeah. 410 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,561 Matty, you have to try this crab. 411 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:55,687 No, I'm fine. 412 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,022 Oh, just one bite. It's so delicious. 413 00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,314 I'm fine. I got my own food. 414 00:14:58,314 --> 00:14:59,858 - Just a baby bite. - I don't want any. 415 00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,860 - Just try. Just one bite. - Jesus Christ, Susan. 416 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,111 Why is it always so important 417 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,404 that I have some of what you ordered? 418 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,905 I want you to have some of this 419 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,323 because I think you'll like it. 420 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:08,450 Well if I wanted the goddamn crab, 421 00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:09,951 I would have ordered the goddamn crab! 422 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:11,161 But in the car on the way home, 423 00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,454 I can say, wasn't it good? And you'll know. 424 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:13,955 For fuck's sake! All right! 425 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,041 - You'll know. - All right! 426 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,757 Oh, goddamn it. 427 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:24,966 Goddamn it! 428 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,009 That's better than what I ordered! 429 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,219 You see? I knew you'd like it. 430 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,429 Shit! 431 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,680 I can't wait to talk about it later. 432 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,350 I wish we were in the car right now. 433 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,684 Here. 434 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,811 I got something for you. 435 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,271 Oh, Matty, what is it? 436 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,065 Just open it. Be careful. 437 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:44,986 A nail? 438 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:46,029 Yeah. 439 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,447 Just before you're finished, 440 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740 put that in what's left of your food 441 00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,450 and then "find" it. 442 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,910 Whole night will be comped. 443 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:53,078 Hey, Kev-o! 444 00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,662 Hi, I'm Brad. 445 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,081 Kevin quit. 446 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,583 Oh, how about this one? 447 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,585 "Interracial Butt Fest." 448 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,379 Oh, thank you, Dr. King. 449 00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,589 "Anal Screwlympics VIII." 450 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,758 I didn't see the first seven. I'm not going to understand it. 451 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:09,719 Man, this guy's running his own three-legged race. 452 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:12,180 Oh, let's start with this one. 453 00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,692 You sure that's going to work? 454 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:25,235 Yeah, I don't know. 455 00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,277 But all I'm thinking about right 456 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,445 now is my dead relatives. 457 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,405 Why? 458 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,489 Well, Father White once said 459 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,032 that if you ever masturbate, 460 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,118 then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you. 461 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:35,036 How is that heaven? 462 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,538 Boy, you know, that is a great point. 463 00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:37,747 I mean, are they up there like, 464 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,124 "Hey, you want to go to Abe Lincoln's house?" 465 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,250 "Yeah, I'd like to, 466 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,376 "but my nephew is gonna jerk off, 467 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,669 so I got to go watch that." 468 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:43,753 OK, so we're fine. 469 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:54,889 All right. 470 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, he's a doctor. 471 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,353 Looks like it's his first day at a new hospital. 472 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,479 And that's usually the day 473 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:02,439 you have sex with everyone, right? 474 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,482 Oh, it sure is, Johnny. 475 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,650 Whoops. 476 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,402 Oh, looks like all her clothes fell off. 477 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:10,447 Oh, here we go. 478 00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,073 That's a weird thermometer. 479 00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:13,408 Hey, that's funny. 480 00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:14,367 I thought they only took your temperature like that 481 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,410 when you were a baby. 482 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:16,745 Yeah, that's-that's not a-- 483 00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:18,204 He's, like, pulling it in and out. 484 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,248 It's never going to get an accurate reading like that. 485 00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,669 Oh. Well, I guess her prostate's fine. 486 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,593 - What happened? - I don't know. 487 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:32,969 Tape froze. 488 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,810 It's stuck. The tape's stuck! 489 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,270 Oh, shit! 490 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,646 It's not coming out. What are we going to do? 491 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,273 All right. Don't panic, don't panic. 492 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,316 Don't panic? 493 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,442 What the fuck am I supposed to do? 494 00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:48,777 I just need a second to think. 495 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,278 No, there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR! 496 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:51,279 - Just let me fucking think! - What am I supposed to do? 497 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,280 Just let me fucking think! 498 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,783 Let me fucking think! 499 00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:56,993 OK, we're going to have to take the machine apart. 500 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,453 All right. 501 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,832 I can't even open it. There's no screws. 502 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:03,875 It's just rivets. 503 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:04,876 OK, I got it, I got it. 504 00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:06,419 We got to swap out VCRs. 505 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,421 Get rid of this one, replace it with a new one. 506 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,215 How are we going to find a new VCR tonight? 507 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,133 Even if shit was still open, we got no money. 508 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,593 And anyways, this is an older model. 509 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,970 You probably can't even fucking find it anymore. 510 00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,263 Yes, you can. 511 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,807 The AV room at school! They got one there. 512 00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:20,183 We can go get it tonight. 513 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,976 Going into school after hours? 514 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:22,977 Won't that look suspicious? 515 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:23,978 There's a game tonight. 516 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,146 The school's open. 517 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:26,356 We dress like basketball players 518 00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,607 and if anyone sees us, 519 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,192 they'll think we're there for the game. 520 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:31,194 If we blow this, everybody's going to know we're perverts. 521 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:32,821 Jesus. 522 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,864 All this work, and we didn't even get to have an orgasm. 523 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,658 Yeah, yeah. Right. 524 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,994 Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, both of us... 525 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,371 didn't. 526 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,541 I just don't understand it. 527 00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:45,792 I mean, we're not under construction. 528 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,003 Well, you know, the good news is she saw it. 529 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,295 Otherwise... 530 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,381 She could have died. 531 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,674 Right, Susan? 532 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,676 You could have died if you ate a nail. 533 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,804 I guess I could have died if I ate a nail. 534 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,223 I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett. 535 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,517 Of course, your entire evening is comped. 536 00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:04,185 And if there's anything else we can do for you, 537 00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,228 please tell us. 538 00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,522 Yeah, you see that old-timey 539 00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:10,233 diver's helmet you got there in the window? 540 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,985 I want you to fill it with shrimp. 541 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:23,079 Wasn't the crab good? 542 00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:33,214 OK, almost got it. 543 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:34,799 Ah. There we go. 544 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,053 OK, you stay here, I'm going to make sure the coast is clear. 545 00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:39,054 OK. 546 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,475 - Ice it up, Hampton. 547 00:19:43,475 --> 00:19:44,517 You'll be fine. 548 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,727 I don't know, Coach. 549 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,354 I think I heard it break. - A little ice. 550 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,064 Best thing for it. 551 00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,065 Hey, Bennett! 552 00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:51,274 Uh, yeah? 553 00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:52,734 We're a man down. Get in there! 554 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,486 No forfeit! We got a player! 555 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:55,820 Actually, Coach, you know I'm not-- 556 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,239 Now, Bennett! We got a game to win! 557 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:06,331 Ain't so fucking hard. 558 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:07,874 Let's get the hell out of here. 559 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,464 Jesus. What a night, huh? 560 00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,259 Matty. 561 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,387 What you did there was a sin. 562 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,680 You lied to them. 563 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,765 Ah, they lied to us first. 564 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,892 Goddamn steak doesn't cost 24 bucks. 565 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,310 We're even. 566 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,146 And the best part is I didn't even have to use this. 567 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:31,731 What is that? 568 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,109 A coupon for one free meal at Chuck's Steak House. 569 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:37,987 So all in, we get three free dinners for the price of one. 570 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:40,323 Is that why you wanted to go out to dinner? 571 00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,825 Because you had a coupon? 572 00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:45,370 I had a beautiful woman on my arm and I spent no money. 573 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,663 A perfect evening. 574 00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,456 And the activity book! 575 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,624 Hey, Johnny! 576 00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:53,044 Your old man solved a maze tonight! 577 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,170 It's Friday night. 578 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,171 He's probably at the basketball game. 579 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,131 You're going up? 580 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,632 Uh, no. 581 00:20:57,632 --> 00:20:59,968 I think I'll stay up for a while and watch TV. 582 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:00,969 Suit yourself. 583 00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,262 Mwah! 584 00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,514 I'm going to roll around in bed and try to burp. 585 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,165 Oh-- 586 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:46,306 - Oh, yeah! - Yes! 587 00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:49,517 Oh, my God! 588 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:06,951 - Hey. 589 00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:09,329 Knock it off. 590 00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:17,420 You know, I just realized we probably 591 00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:19,547 could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game. 592 00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:21,383 Hey, shh! The lights are out. 593 00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:24,344 Mom and Dad must be asleep. 594 00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:26,930 All right, I'll swap it out. You make sure no one's coming. 595 00:22:26,930 --> 00:22:28,223 Right. 596 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,730 All right, it's done. 597 00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:38,108 Not quite. We still got to get that tape out. 598 00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:46,408 The fuck? 599 00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:50,120 - Oh, shit. - It's gone! 600 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,251 OK, let's- let's just calm down here. 601 00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:57,919 What do you mean calm down? The tape's gone! 602 00:22:57,919 --> 00:23:00,505 It can't just be gone. It's got to be somewhere. 603 00:23:00,505 --> 00:23:02,465 Oh, shit. 604 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,426 Ah shit. - What, what, what? 605 00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:05,593 Somebody found it. 606 00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:07,137 Somebody found it and they took it. 607 00:23:07,137 --> 00:23:09,264 Oh, shit. 608 00:23:09,264 --> 00:23:12,434 OK, tomorrow, when everyone's out, we search the house. 609 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:13,518 What if we don't find it? 610 00:23:13,518 --> 00:23:14,728 Then we'll have to 611 00:23:14,728 --> 00:23:16,104 rent the same movie from another store 612 00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:17,731 and return it to the first store 613 00:23:17,731 --> 00:23:19,607 and we'll have to do that every three days 614 00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:20,775 until the end of time. 615 00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:22,110 Oh, my God. 616 00:23:22,110 --> 00:23:25,405 Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme. 617 00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:30,160 Yeah, we're in trouble, but we can still have fun with words. 618 00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:07,238 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 619 00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:10,742 Hello, Susan. 620 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,952 Oh, dear. 621 00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:15,121 I wish you'd close it this time. 622 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,665 We're all sinners in God's eyes. 623 00:24:17,665 --> 00:24:20,919 Well... 624 00:24:20,919 --> 00:24:23,755 I saw a porno, Father. 625 00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:25,382 Oh. 626 00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:28,635 And how did you come to see this, Susan? 627 00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:31,262 Matty left it in the VCR. 628 00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:33,807 Earlier that night, we went out to dinner. 629 00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,100 And I thought he was 630 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:37,227 taking me out for a romantic evening 631 00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:41,147 just the two of us, so I got all dressed up. 632 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:43,942 And he didn't even notice. 633 00:24:43,942 --> 00:24:47,404 And then I found out that he had a coupon. 634 00:24:47,404 --> 00:24:51,741 And that's why he wanted to go out. 635 00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:54,703 And Father, maybe... 636 00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:57,414 I'm not what he wants anymore. 637 00:24:57,414 --> 00:25:01,418 Susan, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that. 638 00:25:01,418 --> 00:25:04,921 Husbands and wives have different sensibilities. 639 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,548 There's a reason the Lord made it 640 00:25:06,548 --> 00:25:10,135 so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot. 641 00:25:10,135 --> 00:25:11,886 W-well, that's true. 642 00:25:11,886 --> 00:25:13,596 And as for what you saw, 643 00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:16,433 God understands that you didn't seek it out. 644 00:25:16,433 --> 00:25:19,144 And as long as the man and the woman in the film 645 00:25:19,144 --> 00:25:22,063 are married and not using birth control, 646 00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:23,940 I don't think you have anything to worry about. 647 00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:27,944 It wasn't just a man and a woman. 648 00:25:27,944 --> 00:25:31,614 There-there was another woman, too. 649 00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:33,116 I see. 650 00:25:33,116 --> 00:25:36,161 Although she wasn't really participating. 651 00:25:36,161 --> 00:25:40,707 She was just sort of choking the other girl. 652 00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:43,126 Well, Matty is your husband. 653 00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:44,878 And if one of you is bored in the marriage, 654 00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:46,629 then the other may wish to consider 655 00:25:46,629 --> 00:25:50,633 how to address that and ways to make things more exciting. 656 00:25:50,633 --> 00:25:56,056 Remember, nothing is wrong if you don't enjoy it too much. 657 00:25:56,056 --> 00:25:58,808 Well, I could certainly try. 658 00:25:58,808 --> 00:26:01,394 Good, good. 659 00:26:01,394 --> 00:26:05,440 So the choking, was she upset by it? 660 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,817 - Or-- - I should probably get home. 661 00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:10,278 All right. To be continued. 662 00:26:19,662 --> 00:26:20,955 No. 663 00:26:22,874 --> 00:26:24,501 Johnny! 664 00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:25,335 Johnny, I found it. 665 00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:27,253 Oh, fuck. Thank God. 666 00:26:27,253 --> 00:26:29,089 I know. I just saved us bucks. 667 00:26:29,089 --> 00:26:31,049 Wait, where was it? 668 00:26:31,049 --> 00:26:32,884 Well, it was, uh-- 669 00:26:32,884 --> 00:26:34,678 it was in Susan's underwear drawer. 670 00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:36,262 What? 671 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:37,889 Yeah, it was behind the ones with the pineapples on it. 672 00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:39,391 No, no, no! I don't want to hear about my mom's underpants. 673 00:26:39,391 --> 00:26:41,518 Oh, but her diarrhea you bring up at the drop of a hat. 674 00:26:41,518 --> 00:26:44,854 Teddy, do you know what this means? 675 00:26:44,854 --> 00:26:47,023 Mom found "Genital Hospital." 676 00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:49,025 She knows I watch porn! 677 00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:50,360 Oh, boy. It looks that way. 678 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,445 I can never face her again. 679 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:54,572 We have to run away, never to return. 680 00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:55,990 I see no other option. 681 00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:58,326 I'm going to miss this house. 682 00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:00,286 Goodbye, water-stained ceilings. 683 00:27:00,286 --> 00:27:03,373 Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way. 684 00:27:03,373 --> 00:27:05,125 Goodbye, windows painted shut. 685 00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:07,794 Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close. 686 00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:10,964 Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper. 687 00:27:10,964 --> 00:27:13,216 Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry. 688 00:27:13,216 --> 00:27:15,260 Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition. 689 00:27:15,260 --> 00:27:18,138 Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it. 690 00:27:18,138 --> 00:27:20,640 Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago. 691 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,560 Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags. 692 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,229 Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner. 693 00:27:26,229 --> 00:27:27,731 Jesus, let's get the fuck out of here. 694 00:27:27,731 --> 00:27:29,190 Yeah, no shit. 695 00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:35,697 We sure would like it 696 00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:38,700 if you'd help us with our problem. 697 00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,285 Only problem you've got, Sheriff, 698 00:27:40,285 --> 00:27:42,412 is a short supply of guts. 699 00:27:42,412 --> 00:27:45,248 You people don't need me. 700 00:27:45,874 --> 00:27:49,044 Look, place at least a couple good riflemen 701 00:27:49,044 --> 00:27:51,713 on top of that building up there. 702 00:27:51,713 --> 00:27:53,798 Maybe a couple more with shotguns down 703 00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:55,258 behind green bags over there. 704 00:27:55,258 --> 00:27:57,552 What you watching? 705 00:27:57,552 --> 00:27:59,596 "High Plains Drifter." 706 00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:01,306 It's Clint Eastwood week. 707 00:28:01,306 --> 00:28:02,515 Oh. 708 00:28:02,515 --> 00:28:03,808 What's it about? 709 00:28:03,808 --> 00:28:05,643 Oh, he's a cowboy. 710 00:28:05,643 --> 00:28:08,063 But at the end, you realize he's a ghost. 711 00:28:08,063 --> 00:28:09,606 But he can still shoot a gun, 712 00:28:09,606 --> 00:28:12,233 so, you know, not like-- he's not like a real ghost. 713 00:28:12,233 --> 00:28:14,361 Matty, honey, 714 00:28:14,361 --> 00:28:16,321 can we talk about that movie 715 00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:19,491 that you were watching yesterday? 716 00:28:19,491 --> 00:28:21,284 I can't remember what it was. 717 00:28:21,284 --> 00:28:23,203 They're all kind of the same movie. 718 00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:26,706 Are you entertained by them? 719 00:28:26,706 --> 00:28:29,793 I'm a guy. I mean, all guys like 'em. 720 00:28:29,793 --> 00:28:32,712 Is that what you want? 721 00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:34,547 What you see in those movies? 722 00:28:34,547 --> 00:28:37,384 God no. I just--I just watch 'em. 723 00:28:37,384 --> 00:28:41,262 Well is there one you like best? 724 00:28:41,262 --> 00:28:43,515 I like "Every Which Way But Loose." 725 00:28:43,515 --> 00:28:44,599 Oh. 726 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:46,184 Yeah, that one's crazy. 727 00:28:46,184 --> 00:28:48,395 There's a monkey that gives everybody the finger. 728 00:28:48,395 --> 00:28:49,979 - Oh. 729 00:28:49,979 --> 00:28:52,524 Yeah, I'd love to see that. 730 00:28:52,524 --> 00:28:53,692 Wow. 731 00:28:54,192 --> 00:28:57,529 It is getting hot in here. 732 00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,616 Powerful hot. 733 00:29:01,616 --> 00:29:03,034 We can't run the air conditioner. 734 00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:04,494 Found a dead bird in it. 735 00:29:04,494 --> 00:29:06,329 Repair guy says we got to wait till its guts dry out 736 00:29:06,329 --> 00:29:08,123 before we run the unit again. 737 00:29:08,123 --> 00:29:10,792 Well I wouldn't know about that. 738 00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:12,794 I'm just a girl. 739 00:29:38,153 --> 00:29:40,113 What are you doing? 740 00:29:40,113 --> 00:29:41,698 I wanted a banana. 741 00:29:41,698 --> 00:29:42,741 Well, then eat it. 742 00:29:42,741 --> 00:29:44,200 Why the hell are you staring at me? 743 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:46,202 Because... 744 00:29:46,202 --> 00:29:48,455 I've been bad. 745 00:29:48,455 --> 00:29:49,831 What do you mean you've been bad? 746 00:29:49,831 --> 00:29:50,874 You-- 747 00:29:50,874 --> 00:29:52,042 oh, Jesus Christ, Susan. 748 00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,543 Is that the last one? 749 00:29:53,543 --> 00:29:54,794 God damn it! 750 00:29:54,794 --> 00:29:57,172 Now what am I supposed to have for my snack? 751 00:29:59,174 --> 00:30:00,383 Oh! Oh great, Susan! 752 00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:02,135 A Pringles can with one left! 753 00:30:02,135 --> 00:30:03,970 That'll be satisfying! 754 00:30:03,970 --> 00:30:05,055 Ow! 755 00:30:05,055 --> 00:30:06,806 Fucking lamp shocked me again! 756 00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:11,728 Yeah? 757 00:30:14,022 --> 00:30:15,398 Aunt Suze, what's up? 758 00:30:15,398 --> 00:30:17,442 Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute? 759 00:30:17,442 --> 00:30:19,569 Sure. Yeah, come on in. 760 00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:26,743 What, uh, what's the matter? 761 00:30:26,743 --> 00:30:28,495 Well... 762 00:30:28,495 --> 00:30:32,791 last night, Matty and I went out to dinner. 763 00:30:32,791 --> 00:30:34,834 I got all dressed up. 764 00:30:34,834 --> 00:30:39,089 I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Redbook. 765 00:30:39,089 --> 00:30:41,591 I don't even think he noticed. 766 00:30:41,591 --> 00:30:47,263 And then when we got home, I turned on the TV. 767 00:30:47,263 --> 00:30:51,643 And I found... 768 00:30:51,643 --> 00:30:54,187 What? 769 00:30:54,187 --> 00:30:57,190 A porn. 770 00:30:57,190 --> 00:30:58,441 Oh. 771 00:30:58,441 --> 00:31:01,945 I think Matty's been watching porns. 772 00:31:01,945 --> 00:31:03,154 Right. 773 00:31:03,154 --> 00:31:05,782 Do you think maybe he-- 774 00:31:05,782 --> 00:31:08,827 doesn't think I'm exciting anymore? 775 00:31:08,827 --> 00:31:10,453 Am I a disappointment? 776 00:31:10,453 --> 00:31:12,330 No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze. 777 00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:13,790 Listen to me. 778 00:31:13,790 --> 00:31:17,377 You are probably the most wonderful person that I know. 779 00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:20,255 But if that's what he wants, what can I do? 780 00:31:20,255 --> 00:31:22,298 I don't want to have to choke other women. 781 00:31:22,298 --> 00:31:23,633 Yeah, I don't think you need to. 782 00:31:23,633 --> 00:31:25,719 But I'll do it if that's what Matty wants. 783 00:31:25,719 --> 00:31:26,678 No, let's not go down that route. 784 00:31:26,678 --> 00:31:28,471 I'll do what those women did. 785 00:31:28,471 --> 00:31:29,931 I really don't think that's necessary. 786 00:31:29,931 --> 00:31:32,308 I-I-I'll even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie. 787 00:31:32,308 --> 00:31:33,309 I'll do it. - OK-- 788 00:31:33,309 --> 00:31:34,978 - I'll do it. - Stop. 789 00:31:34,978 --> 00:31:36,146 Look. 790 00:31:36,146 --> 00:31:40,108 This is difficult for me to say, but, um, 791 00:31:40,108 --> 00:31:44,070 the tape you found... 792 00:31:44,070 --> 00:31:46,072 it's mine. 793 00:31:46,072 --> 00:31:47,073 What? 794 00:31:47,073 --> 00:31:48,283 I'm sorry. 795 00:31:48,283 --> 00:31:49,909 I apologize for being so careless. 796 00:31:49,909 --> 00:31:52,162 I never should have left it in the VCR. 797 00:31:52,162 --> 00:31:53,163 It was stupid. 798 00:31:53,163 --> 00:31:54,748 So it's not Matty's? 799 00:31:54,748 --> 00:31:56,249 No, it's not. 800 00:31:57,459 --> 00:32:01,338 Oh! Oh, my God! 801 00:32:01,338 --> 00:32:03,882 Oh, I'm so relieved! - Good. 802 00:32:03,882 --> 00:32:07,177 I thought Matty was bored with me. 803 00:32:07,177 --> 00:32:08,636 Oh, Blaire. 804 00:32:08,636 --> 00:32:10,972 I--ew. 805 00:32:10,972 --> 00:32:13,099 Why did you have a porn? 806 00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:15,226 I would say a porn-o. 807 00:32:15,226 --> 00:32:16,978 Just hits the ear better. 808 00:32:16,978 --> 00:32:18,938 Why were you watching porn-o? 809 00:32:18,938 --> 00:32:22,525 Well, OK, in that context, you'd say porn. 810 00:32:22,525 --> 00:32:24,986 See, if there's an article in front of it like an "a" 811 00:32:24,986 --> 00:32:27,238 or a "the," it's a porno. 812 00:32:27,238 --> 00:32:30,742 But if not, it's just porn. 813 00:32:31,451 --> 00:32:33,370 I'm just not going to say it anymore. 814 00:32:33,370 --> 00:32:37,999 OK. Look, to answer your question, it... 815 00:32:37,999 --> 00:32:40,251 it was a sorority thing. 816 00:32:40,251 --> 00:32:41,628 We rented a dirty movie. 817 00:32:41,628 --> 00:32:43,922 It was-- you know how sororities are. 818 00:32:43,922 --> 00:32:45,632 It's like a prank. 819 00:32:45,632 --> 00:32:48,301 Oh! Oh, it was a prank. 820 00:32:48,301 --> 00:32:50,512 - Yeah. - Oh! 821 00:32:50,512 --> 00:32:53,598 So Matty and I are just fine! 822 00:32:53,598 --> 00:32:56,351 I would say this one thing isn't a problem. 823 00:32:56,351 --> 00:32:59,229 But it's-- 824 00:32:59,229 --> 00:33:01,523 well, I'd call it a work in progress. 825 00:33:01,523 --> 00:33:05,819 And for the record, Aunt Suze, 826 00:33:05,819 --> 00:33:09,864 I don't think anybody ever could be bored with you. 827 00:33:09,864 --> 00:33:12,659 Matty is not great at communication. 828 00:33:12,659 --> 00:33:15,745 But unless he's completely blind or insane, 829 00:33:15,745 --> 00:33:19,249 I bet he still loves you a whole lot. 830 00:33:19,249 --> 00:33:21,209 - Come here. - Mm. 831 00:33:21,209 --> 00:33:22,419 Aw. 832 00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:29,801 I hope one day, you'll find your Matty. 833 00:33:29,801 --> 00:33:32,595 Oh, that's-- 834 00:33:32,595 --> 00:33:33,930 I'm going to be just fine. 835 00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:34,889 Let's pray. 836 00:33:53,825 --> 00:33:55,410 Where are we going to go, Teddy? 837 00:33:55,410 --> 00:33:57,120 I was thinking Saudi Arabia. 838 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,956 I hear nobody's ashamed to masturbate there. 839 00:33:59,956 --> 00:34:01,833 What do you think they're doing back at the house? 840 00:34:01,833 --> 00:34:05,253 Probably the same thing we're doing but with a table. 841 00:34:05,253 --> 00:34:06,796 God. 842 00:34:06,796 --> 00:34:09,758 We watched six seconds of porn and it ruined our lives. 843 00:34:09,758 --> 00:34:11,468 Relax, losers. 844 00:34:11,468 --> 00:34:13,636 Your lives aren't ruined. 845 00:34:13,636 --> 00:34:14,429 Yet. 846 00:34:14,429 --> 00:34:15,764 Blaire. 847 00:34:15,764 --> 00:34:17,307 Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes, you are. 848 00:34:17,307 --> 00:34:19,059 Good Lord, look how you've grown. 849 00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:20,185 How'd you find us? 850 00:34:20,185 --> 00:34:22,937 Uh, harmonica music really carries. 851 00:34:22,937 --> 00:34:25,982 Listen, uh, you don't have to worry about the porno, 852 00:34:25,982 --> 00:34:26,983 all right? 853 00:34:26,983 --> 00:34:28,234 I took the heat for you. 854 00:34:28,234 --> 00:34:29,569 What? 855 00:34:29,569 --> 00:34:31,946 I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine. 856 00:34:31,946 --> 00:34:33,031 You can come home now. 857 00:34:33,031 --> 00:34:36,659 Blaire, you-- you did that for us? 858 00:34:36,659 --> 00:34:39,746 Uh, no. I really did it for Susan. 859 00:34:39,746 --> 00:34:41,915 She was upset enough because she thought it was Matty's. 860 00:34:41,915 --> 00:34:44,834 If she found out it was yours, she'd probably cry for a year. 861 00:34:44,834 --> 00:34:47,712 Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much. 862 00:34:47,712 --> 00:34:48,588 Yeah. 863 00:34:48,588 --> 00:34:50,006 We really owe you big time. 864 00:34:50,006 --> 00:34:51,466 Oh, yeah, you do. 865 00:34:51,466 --> 00:34:53,677 Now, put out your dumb fire and let's get out of here. 866 00:34:53,677 --> 00:34:55,970 I love that plan. Because you know what? 867 00:34:55,970 --> 00:34:57,681 We got a porno to return. 868 00:34:57,681 --> 00:34:59,182 And I'll tell you one thing. 869 00:34:59,182 --> 00:35:01,017 I would never watch porn again. 870 00:35:01,017 --> 00:35:03,311 Even if it was everywhere, all the time. 871 00:35:03,311 --> 00:35:05,522 Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket 872 00:35:05,522 --> 00:35:06,856 that would give it to me whenever I wanted 873 00:35:06,856 --> 00:35:08,608 so I could jerk off at a moment's notice. 874 00:35:08,608 --> 00:35:10,443 No. Never again. 875 00:35:12,862 --> 00:35:15,615 {\an8}narrator: John kept his promise. 876 00:35:15,615 --> 00:35:17,450 {\an8}For the next two years. 877 00:35:17,450 --> 00:35:21,413 {\an8}Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, 878 00:35:21,413 --> 00:35:23,748 {\an8}he pulled on his penis so hard, 879 00:35:23,748 --> 00:35:26,126 {\an8}it damn near came off. 880 00:35:26,126 --> 00:35:27,210 {\an8}That didn't deter him 881 00:35:27,210 --> 00:35:29,838 {\an8}from masturbating four more times 882 00:35:29,838 --> 00:35:32,382 {\an8}before going to a local urgent care, 883 00:35:32,382 --> 00:35:33,800 {\an8}where he waited eight hours 884 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,177 {\an8}in line behind dozens of other men 885 00:35:36,177 --> 00:35:38,763 {\an8}who had also nearly pulled their penises off 886 00:35:38,763 --> 00:35:41,057 {\an8}after discovering the internet. 887 00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:44,185 {\an8}And now, today, anyone you talk to 888 00:35:44,185 --> 00:35:47,397 {\an8}has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. 889 00:35:47,397 --> 00:35:49,190 {\an8}This is Ian McKellen, 890 00:35:49,190 --> 00:35:53,236 {\an8}reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand. 891 00:35:53,236 --> 00:35:55,238 {\an8}Good night. 892 00:36:04,456 --> 00:36:08,835 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful ♪ 893 00:36:08,835 --> 00:36:12,088 ♪ And yet, alas, that someone adores you ♪ 894 00:36:13,631 --> 00:36:17,385 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 895 00:36:17,385 --> 00:36:19,888 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 896 00:36:19,888 --> 00:36:23,391 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 897 00:36:23,391 --> 00:36:26,853 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 898 00:36:26,853 --> 00:36:32,942 ♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪ 899 00:36:32,942 --> 00:36:34,986 ♪ Best friend is me ♪